Need Some Advice? Just ask the MPORB

Hey bros and lady-bros.  Magical pool of raven blood here.  Did you know that in addition to answering your questions about the Land of Fritillary, I can also answer questions you have from your very own world?  You can contact MPORB via trans­dimensional email, and Twitterdigitation.  I reached out to a few friends and acquaintances, and they hooked me up with a good round of questions for this edition of the blog.  Here we go:

Yo, Raven blood. You gotta help me out. You guys are playing the Lions this Sunday, and you're six point underdogs. I wanna put some money on you, but you've played terrible on the road, and I can't afford to lose any more cash. Also, what's Joe Flacco like?
-Danny from Dundalk

Danny, as you're probably aware, gambling is totally illegal in your homelands. I think you really ought to try to get your life together, bro. Sounds like you're in a bad way, and you might not want to dig any deeper into a hole. On the other hand, gambling is super legal in Fritillary; especially in Conroy's Palace, so use their services and take the Ravens and the points. Also, Joe Flacco is an ambulatory Gargoyle. For reals.

Blood Puddle! What's your super power?
­@tadgostal

Wow, what an interesting and belligerently written question! Well, my main power is magic. Also, I'm pretty viscous, and I can do a killer one-­man show version of Point Break, and do all the voices. Finally, I think I could do some Terminator 2 type biz if I got out of the vial. That was totally rad. But if it didn't work, I'd be stuck on the ground; and someone might slip on me, 'cause people in Fritillary are wicked clumsy.

I'm confused. If you're a pool of blood, how can you type? Also, does your dimension have electricity? Because from what I've read, it would seem to anyone with the basest critical thinking skills would realize that your world cannot realistically contain such, let alone technology advanced enough to receive emails. How do you explain that?
­Ryan, Dresden

Bro, magic. Besides, who cares? Is it gonna ruin your life if you you don't know every single
permutation of everything in a world you don't live in? Here's some advice: RELAX. You might
enjoy things a little more if you didn't feel the need to disassemble them. Would you buy a
sandwich, separate all the ingredients, then complain to the sandwich dude that the parts didn’t seem like they should go together? If you would, that seems like a lot of work to go out of your way to not enjoy things. You're an intense dude, Ryan, and you need to chill. 

So, I was thinking about getting a new apartment. The one I'm looking at is 900 sqft,
whereas the one I'm currently in is roughly 700 sqft. The new one is six hundred dollars a month more, but it's more space, and it's in Park Slope. It's a way more hip neighborhood, and it's where my unicycle brass band plays. What should I do?
Atticus Funk, Brooklyn NY

Hey dude, I live in a vial in a guy's pocket. I don't know if I'm a good judge of urban real estate.
But if dollars are your currency, 600 sounds like an awful lot. I wouldn't worry to much about
how cool your neighborhood is as long as you're cool. It's like Buckaroo Banzai says: “No matter where you go, there you are.” Also, your band sounds kinda terrible. Does it have one of those names that's like an ironic sentence fragment, like “Optimus Prime Meridian?” If so, stop.

MPORB, there wuz a movie bout u, whod play u?
­@amberrulz

Good question! You know that guy The Stuff? He played The Stuff in The Stuff. He also played
The Blob in the remake of The Blob. You remember, The Blob starring the Stuff? Anyway him, but he'd probably need to lose some weight. He went kinda Marlon Brando after a while. So him, but if he can't trim down, then maybe William Fichtner.

*******

As always, guys, thanks for reading!  It's been a pleasure helping you out. 
Love and kisses,
The magical pool of raven blood